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Game 1 Recap: Playoff Push Receives Heavy Blow (NSFW)


The Sabres playoff push was delivered a near critical blow as Thursday’s 3-1 loss to the Blue Jackets puts them in last place in the NHL.  The crowd seemed at times disinterested, perhaps unaware that the Sabres entered the game tied for fifth place in the NHL and third in the division.  Sabres players certainly noticed.

“Why the fuck did 18,100 fans show up to root for us to be terrible?” questioned returning WNY hero and Sabres captain Brian Gionta.

“How can this season be any fun at all when the fans and half the media are openly hoping that we fail?” added noted Not Maple Leaf Josh Gorges.

GM Tim Murray broke his vow of silence to weigh in: “If this team is as bad as it was last year, fans should be very concerned,” he said with a dour glare.  “Because that means that our young guys have made no growth, and no amount of Connor McDavids is going to make up for that.”  He then briefly walked away before returning and grabbing the mic once more.  “You fucking idiots.”


In other news, our Compete Level stat gets a makeover.  It will be Hits + Blocked Shots + PIM + (Takeaways – Giveaways) per game.  We will also be unveiling a Compete per dollar component once the team has played a few more games.

Competitors of the Night:

Tyler Myers – 2 hits, 3 blocked shots, 2 PIM, 3 takeaways, 1 giveaway.

Nick Deslauriers – 6 hits in 6:55 of ice time.

Enigmatic Euros of the Night:

Matt Moulson – No hits, blocked shots, PIM, or takeaways.  For some reason played less than 15 minutes, because Nolan.

Game One Reactions – (“guest post”) Cowards in the Crow’s Nest


I was going to write something satirical about Sabres fans’ (and I use that term loosely) openly hoping this team loses, but Justin wrote The Cowards in the Crow’s Nest and nailed it before I woke up this morning. There’s also little point in satirizing a group of people that do such great work by themselves. Honestly, this season is shaping up to be one giant Onion Sports headline.

He’s @Jetios on Twitter, and he has a particular distaste for the “81 games away from having a better team” crowd:

These people, who hold next year’s draft in higher regard than this year’s roster, define the Sabres’ identity in the NHL — a culture of losing. These same people celebrate the start of next season on the very same day that a new season began, as if 2014–2015 is but another preseason to trudge through. They pull Sabres sweaters over their heads, but they have zero respect for those who wear the jersey on the ice today.

The logo on the chest rings hollow. They are not fans.

Read more…

Vulgar Opinions: Ted Nolan And Bryan Trottier Are Terrifying


Earlier today Bill Hoppe reported on how Ted Nolan called Trottier as a reference for another candidate which led to Nolan bringing on Trottier himself.  This article terrifies me, for two reasons.

“It’s like riding a bike,” he [Nolan] said. “I don’t care if Bryan didn’t coach for 50 years. He still knows how to hop onto that bike and ride and win.”

It’s asinine to think that someone will “always know how to coach” just because they did it once and were successful.  Things change in the NHL and coaching styles must change with them.  Ask Ken Hitchcock how that works.

“When Bryan Trottier walks into a room, all the players are going to listen,” Nolan said. “His experience about how to win (is terrific). People can talk to you about how they think they could win is one thing. Hearing from a person that actually won and knowing how to do it is a lot different.”



What the goddamn hell is Trottier going to tell players about how to win?  “Jhonas…if you can stop a wrench, you can stop a puck.”

“How to win” is complete bullshit.  This team doesn’t need a coach that “knows how to win,” it needs a smart coach that is going to use the players to the best of their strengths and minimize their weaknesses.  Successful teams don’t know “how to win,” they put their players in the best possible position to succeed and hope they execute.  The best coaches are able to find the lineup and the matchups that make success as easy as possible.  (And, you know, they also have good players.)

Is The Buffalo News Publishing Sexist Articles To Scapegoat Kim Pegula?


An open letter to Lisa Bell Wilson, The Buffalo News’s Executive Sports Editor:

Ms. Wilson,

Why are you letting Bucky Gleason and Jerry Sullivan elevate Kim Pegula for criticism with incredibly sexist articles?

From Gleason’s Pegulas put a civic win in the books – The Buffalo News

“Some people have become wary of Kim Pegula. According to several current employees, Kim runs the Sabres while Terry is behind the scenes. Their basic message, added up: Terry is a good man but naïve; Kim has a controlling personality and is not as sweet as she comes across.”

As I’m sure you know, being perceived as “controlling” and “not as sweet as [one] comes across” is probably par for the course for any business leader (or one who is in control of things), and might even be seen as positive attributes were their target a man.

Meanwhile Jerry Sullivan has written:

“He [Terry] has a dubious public presence and poor PR sense, which is odd when you consider his wife has a background in public relations.”

Which again absolves Terry of guilt and places the blame on his wife.

As a woman in a leadership position, how can you let things like this see daylight?


Yet Another Thing Buffalo Has That Toronto Doesn’t


This isn’t hockey, but fuck it.  Terry Pegula (hockey!) has purchased the Buffalo Bills largely in the same manner that you or I would purchase Legos or alcohol (or both!).  That means that in addition to Josh Gorges and the 2015 and 2016 NHL Scouting Combines, this is yet another thing that Buffalo has that Toronto doesn’t.

Shit, we should get a CFL team anyway and see if we can take the Grey Cup too.

Shitty reporters from Toronto tabloids keep telling us how much worse Buffalo is than Toronto and yet people and things keep preferring the Queen City and not the…Muddy York?  Haha, really?  Wait…it looks like Toronto has a history of sucking.

Toronto has garnered various nicknames throughout its history. Among the earliest of these was the disparaging Muddy York, used during the settlement’s early growth. At the time, there were no sewers or storm drains, and the streets were unpaved. During rainfall, water would accumulate on the dirt roads, transforming them into often impassable muddy avenues.[8]

A more disparaging nickname used by the early residents was Little York,[1] referring to its establishment as a collection of twelve log homes at the mouth of the Don River surrounded by wilderness, and used in comparison to New York City in the United States and York in England.

Adjectives were sometimes attached to Little York; records from the Legislative Council of the time indicate that dirty Little York and nasty Little York were used by residents.

He hoped the name of Toronto would be adopted, and by that means the inhabitants would not be subjected to the indignity of residing in a place designated “dirty little York”.

It would in some measure meet his notice for a change of the seat of Government as much as could be done this Session, for it would change the name from “Nasty Little York” to the CITY OF TORONTO.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Jesus Fucking Christ I don’t even have anything else to say after that.  Holy shit.  “Ya, we should call our city Toronto because the alternative is Miserable Shit Muffin, eh?”

Enjoy Josh Gorges not playing for your Nasty Little York Maple Leafs, the Nasty Little York Bills not being a thing, and the NHL turning up its nose at holding one of its premiere events in Nasty Little York.


Vulgar Opinions: We (Men) Need to Talk About Sexist Hockey Culture, And Keep Talking About It


Inspired by this piece by  which is better and more topical than mine.  Go read it, the internet will wait.

Apologies for stealing the title, but fuck if it isn’t a good one, and if directness isn’t the best policy.  It’s relevant and recent that Harrison Mooney was fired from Yahoo’s Puck Daddy blog for making unwanted advances towards women both in person, and on Twitter.  The ‘in person’ part of that, particularly when Mooney was told ‘no’ twice, is sexual assault, regardless of what fellow writer Thomas Drance wants to tell you.

Thomas Drance

Guys…we need to be better.

And yes, I get that not all of us are Harrison Mooney but that’s not the point.  The point is that when one of our own does something like this we need to quit bitching about how not every guy is a creepy harasser and start telling the creepy harassers to stop being creepy harassers.  And that if they’re going to continue to be creepy harassers, then we need to tell them they’re not welcome in our circles.

We need to stop thinking about how guilty and how complicit we are and start simply making things better for women.  This isn’t about us.  Let’s stop trying to make everything about us because pretty much every fucking thing in sports has been about us to this point.  Let’s make this about the women we so love to watch hockey with.  Better, let’s make this about making hockey better for them.

I can totally see why women wouldn’t want to have anything to do with sports.  The most common synonym for “shitty” in sports, the most common way to let a player know how much they suck, is to call them a woman.  Right Cindy Crosby?  Who the fuck wants to watch something where who you are as a person is interchangeable with “bad” and undesirable to the point of ridicule?

Surely we can do better than this.

And the truth of it is, hockey needs women.  It needs women because women will make the sport better for everyone.  The larger pool you have to draw talent from, the better off you are overall.  This is why New York City produces more athletes than Helena, Montana.  The inclusion of women will make our writers better, our broadcasters better, hell there will come a day when they will make our coaches better.  They won’t all be sterling, but they will raise our collective intelligence because when you’re looking for smart hockey people you’re no longer disqualifying half the population.

Sure, “get more women in hockey” sounds like special rights for women, but do you know what’s actually special rights?  Ninety percent of those involved to this point having been men.  Special rights is not being poo-pooed as a broadcaster because “male voices better fill” the role.  And if that sounds all too rare, just remember that “doesn’t feel right” and “doesn’t fit the culture” are shades of the same thing.  Special rights is not being told (or shown) your only way of contributing is as eye candy.

Surely we can do better than this.

We men have always benefited from the antiquated notion that only men can do sports things and in spite of Title IX, we’re still benefiting.  And because we make up such a vast majority of the sports landscape, it is terrifyingly easy to keep reaping the advantages we’ve acquired by being exclusionary dicks.  That needs to stop.

And make no mistake, the women are, and should be the superstars of the fight for better representation in sports.  Their voices should rise over ours because they have the first hand experiences off of which to build.  But we can, and I’d argue we have a responsibility, to catalyze equality by bulldozing the garbage to create safe spaces for women, and by holding our own accountable.

Let’s do better than this.

And to add to the Women’s Hockey Round Up, the ECAC, which contains the Defending National Champions and my Alma Mater, the Clarkson University Golden Knights, has also released its schedule.

Buffalo Beats Toronto To Host 2015, 2016 NHL Scouting Combines


The NHL has announced that Buffalo’s vaunted HarborCenter will host both the 2015 and 2016 NHL Scouting Combines, beating out Pittsburgh and Mississauga, which is near Toronto.  Commissioner Gary Bettman and his lapdog Colin Campbell gave all 30 NHL cities an opportunity to make a case for the event before eventually settling on Buffalo.

Buffalo was chosen both because of the resources and amenities the $172 million HarborCenter has to offer, but also because the Mississauga facility looked like “the inside of a rotten burrito.”

“When we went up to Toronto, we were told not to expect much,” said Bettman.  “But their VIP Hotel Package was Toronto Sun reporter Steve Simmons’s couch.  There were newspapers from 1967 strewn about and it appeared that a Josh Gorges Maple Leafs jersey had been burned in the corner.

“The entire city of Toronto looks and smells like someone took Flint, Michigan and farted all over it,” said Campbell.  “They have all the pretension of a Kardashian and all the class of that one dirty abandoned sock you see on the side of the road.  The prevailing theme to the city is inescapable failure.”

“I’m actually writing a dystopian novel about hockey,” added Bettman.  “It was originally set in downtown Tampa, but I’m thinking of moving it to Toronto.  Hell, I’m thinking of moving the Maple Leafs to Seattle now as a humanitarian effort on behalf of the players and coaches.”

The Scouting Combine joins a long list of things that Buffalo has beaten Toronto in, among them Josh Gorges, affordable living, hockey 1970-Present, cleanliness, happiness, being in America, and amazingly enough, media acumen.  When we pressed Toronto Mayor Rob Ford for comment, he tried to snort my phone and then asked if he could lick my hair.  Every single Torontoan I met tried to do the same.

We barely made it out alive.


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