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What The Puck? Daddy.

01/21/15

Ugh.  UGHHHHH.  I’m sure this is a blatant troll piece designed to garner clicks from two fanbases that are always good for them.  Why they didn’t have the Daniel Lawrence Whitney of hockey writing Ryan…erm…Larry the…erm TwoLinePass write it, I do not know.  Perhaps he is moving on to extol upon us the virtues of incredibly boring Men’s Hockey East play.  But I haven’t cut down a P*ck D*ddy column in a while so here we are.

Jack Eichel and Connor McDavid need to succeed. Considering the absurd amount of hype around these two prospects, it’s vital that they’re put in spots that have high potential for growth.

I thought this was a TEAM sport.  The ULTIMATE TEAM SPORT.  Why do these two random boners need to succeed?  Conclusion: Josh Cooper is trying to destroy hockey from within.

They must go to places where they can help push the game to new and unseen heights. They need to go to places that have never seen prodigies with their prodigious skill sets.

Yes.  YES!  FUCK YEAH!  New and unseen heights.  McDavid and Eichel need to bring GLORY to franchises that have NEVER SEEN IT.

In that case … for the love of god please Arizona and Carolina tank.

You know, like that one team that won the Ultimate Trophy less than a decade ago.

Tank worse than you’ve ever tanked before in your history. Do all in your power to make sure Eichel and McDavid don’t end up with Edmonton and Buffalo, the two poster children for crappola franchises.

Wait, so McDavid and Eichel need to go where they can raise a franchise to new heights, but they can’t go to bad franchises?  Okay.

Fun fact: I looked this up and Joshua Cooper didn't because he's lazy.

Fun fact: I looked this up and Josh Cooper didn’t because he’s lazy.

We need one of you to save hockey in the desert.

Uh, why?

We need the other to be the heir apparent to Eric Staal

Haha Jeff Skinner, you suck.  Sucks to suck, sucker.

and bring back the playoff hockey tailgates we knew and loved in Carolina’s runs to the Cup Final.

Those people were from Buffalo and Edmonton.

The last thing we need is for either to end up in Edmonton/Hoth or the recovering industrial paradise known as Buffalo – though one would get a ton of national TV love with the latter.

Ah, I see your game you whiny bitter fuck.  Haha, you have to watch us because our fans show up.

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To paraphrase Wayne’s World – you’re not worthy.

In all sincerity, if the NHL wants both to push its game forward and see them succeed it’s Arizona and Carolina or burst. And no, we don’t want Arizona and Carolina to lose games on purpose. It just makes more sense for those two forwards to end up in Raleigh or Glendale.

In all sinc-you’re a bitter dumbass and didn’t look anything up… 

Currently the Coyotes and Hurricanes have 37 points. Buffalo, on an 11-game losing skid, has 31 points. Edmonton has 33. The lower the finish, the higher the chance to draft. No. 1 in 2015 when the two super prospects are eligible.

Did you really have to explain this to your readers?

Apparently we’re not the only one to think of this.

It’s either ‘we’ or ‘one,’ not both.  Also I noticed you said ‘Arizona or Carolina or buRst’ above.  Did Greg write this and put your name on it? 

Said Cardiac Cane:

If Connor McDavid is put of the question, Jack Eichel or Noah Hanifin, the top 2 American born prospects in the upcoming draft, would be great [consolation].

If the Hurricanes fall out of the top 3, they do have the pieces to move back into “McEichel” territory.

Anything could happen in the final 3 months of the year with the Carolina Hurricanes, but their increased success in since the beginning of 2015 has indicated to me that the hopes of drafting Connor McDavid or Jack Eichel may be disappearing.

“Hey, if we’re really bad we might pick higher!  But we also might not.”  Brilliant stuff.

And so says Dave Lozo from Bleacher Report

Outsiders will look at what the Arizona Coyotes are beginning to do much the same way you’d look at some welded garbage monstrosity in the Guggenheim and wonder what’s so special about it. Remember that Simpsons episode where Homer receives acclaim as an artist because he couldn’t build a barbecue pit?

The Coyotes are that failed barbecue pit.

Tanking is not only the smart move for the 2015 draft, as it gives them a shot at ConnorMcDavid or Jack Eichel, but it’s the smart move for a franchise that has the power to leave Glendale in 2018 should the team lose more than $50 million in the preceding five seasons.

And from the same story:

This is the best way for the Coyotes to become a sustainable, profitable, and, oh yeah, winning organization before the five-year out clause in the team’s lease allows them to leave for another other location that wants an NHL team.

Tanking is a SMART MOVE, but you better not be a CRAPPOLA FRANCHISE.  Okay morons.

This makes just almost too much sense. Everyone wants it (except for Edmonton or Buffalo fanbases). And they’re also the best spots for these guys to end up.

Since 2009, the most prolific drafted Sabres? Zack Kassian (55 points in 179 games and now with Vancouver) and Marcus Foligno (59 points in 163 games). The only one who comes, close is ‘All-Star’ Zemgus Girgensons with 44 points in 117 games.

Since an arbitrarily selected year because Tyler Myers and Tyler Ennis were drafted in 2008, the Sabres haven’t drafted a prolific player except for all those guys that are at the top of everyone’s prospect lists like Mark Pysyk, Joel Armia, Mikhail Grigorenko, Jake McCabe, Rasmus Ristolainen, Nikita Zadorov, J.T. Compher, Sam Reinhart, Brendan Lemieux and while we’re at it, let’s blame Zemgus Girgensons for being prematurely thrown into the NHL on a bad team.

My name is Josh Cooper.  I did no homework.

Edmonton has drafted some solid players since 2009,

Translation: Edmonton has drafted forwards because the only thing I can do is read point totals and know one number is higher than another.

but they’ve also drafted very high. Taylor Hall was a ‘can’t miss’ though his name has somehow been dragged into trade rumors. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, he’s fine – but he’s another player who didn’t really need to be developed.

You know who else has been dragged into trade rumors?  The Staals, Skinner, Carolina’s best player (Andrej Sekera), every superstar in a contract year, and pretty much everyone on every bad team ever.  Meanwhile the Coyotes’ leading scorer is Antoine Vermette.  GUESS HOW THEY ACQUIRED HIM.

How the Oilers have handled Nail Yakupov and Leon Draisaitl has should have them incarcerated in hockey prospect development court. They had almost no clue what to do about either and it shows with Yakupov having no confidence in his game since his rookie year, and Draisaitl being sent back to junior 37 games into his NHL career.

Translation: I was too lazy to Google “Mikhail Grigorenko” or watch Sabres hockey despite previously complaining about having to watch Sabres hockey.  I’m also apparently not aware that there is a successful and an unsuccessful precedent for pretty much every possible way you could bring a highly touted prospect into the NHL.

Between Justin Faulk, Jeff Skinner and maybe Elias Lindholm, (though it’s still too early to tell with the last name) the Hurricanes have shown how to select players and make them NHL-ready.

Since the previous randomly selected year of 2009, Canes first round picks have included Philippe Paradis, Brian Dumoulin, Jeff Skinner, Justin Faulk, Mark Alt, Ryan Murphy, Victor Rask, Phil Di Giuseppe, Brock McGinn, Elias Lindholm, Haydn Fleury, and Alex Nedeljkovic.  

The Sabres have taken Zack Kassian, Mark Pysyk, Joel Armia, Mikhail Grigorenko, Zemgus Girgensons, Rasmus Ristolainen, Nikita Zadorov, Sam Reinhart, Brendan Lemieux, Eric Cornel, and Václav Karabáček.

Hey, how many of those Sabres drafted prior to last year failed to play a game for them in the NHL?  None of them.

Hey how many of those Canes drafted prior to last year failed to play a game for them in the NHL?  Half of them.

Yeah, Carolina sssuuuurreeee knows how to select players and make them NHL-ready.  And that doesn’t even take into account that pretty much every Sabre on that list that’s still in the system is penciled into a roster spot next year.  Maybe if Cooper had done any research he’d know that.

The Coyotes haven’t exactly hit the draft jackpot in recent years having seen their drafted prospects play just two NHL games since 2012.

Error: not enough parameters.  What the fuck are you even talking about?  You mean players they drafted in 2012 or later have only played 2 NHL games?  Considering the typical path to the NHL, does that mean fucking anything to anybody?

But Eichel or McDavid could develop in the desert without the weight of massive expectations generally heaped on a player in a big hockey market.

YOU JUST SAID THEIR HYPE IS SO BIG THEY NEED TO SUCCEED!  YOU’VE PEGGED THEM AS THE SOLE SAVIORS OF TWO FRANCHISES.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

As Lozo pointed out, there is that pesky $50 million clause. That’s definitely pressure. But it’s three years away. They got time.

Save our team from relocation.  No ‘massive expectations’ though.

Says SB Nation:

It didn’t take long for the new Arizona Coyotes owner to make a big decision about the future of his franchise.

According to TSN’s Pierre LeBrun, new Coyotes owner Andrew Barroway met with GM Don Maloney this week to discuss immediate plans to rebuild their fading team. In LeBrun’s words, the two agreed to “blow this up, and let’s have a full rebuild in the desert.”

Arizona is undergoing one of its worst seasons in franchise history. The Coyotes own the fourth-worst record in the NHL at the midway point in the season, and considering the core has remained the same for years it’s no wonder ownership is looking to hit the reset button.

DO IT. SELL EVERYONE. TANK!

Hey, know what’s good for a franchise in danger of relocating?  Intentional losing!

Just kidding! Sort of …

Lastly, Buffalo and Edmonton don’t deserve to have another hockey prodigy.

Are we not counting Dale Hawerchuk?  Shane Doan?  Teppo Numminen if you want to get technical?  What about Eric Staal and Jeff Skinner?

Sabres fans had Gilbert Perreault and were treated to the French Connection.

Yeah because I, being 28, totally remember the days of the French Connection that, you know, never won a cup.

The Oilers dynasties of the 80s go without saying.

Again, that most fans don’t remember.  Does Seattle’s first Stanley Cup Victory by a US team mean they shouldn’t get another?

Give someone else a chance at great prospect. McEichel wants BBQ. McEichel wants to go hiking at Camelback Mountain. McEichel should be in Arizona and Carolina.

Maybe they want wings and to play in front of more fans than the 4,800 that come to Erie and the 7,200 that come to Boston University, something that isn’t a guarantee in Glendale or Raleigh.  (Note: I looked those numbers up too and Josh Cooper did not.)

Now if only those two teams could do their parts …

On a sidenote if McDavid goes to Edmonton, how many Gretzky comparisons will we hear? Enough to probably create a drinking game. So that’s at least something in Edmonton’s favor – probably the only pro.

FRANCHISES SHOULDN’T GET MORE THAN ONE HOCKEY PRODIGY, BUT BEING COMPARED TO THE LAST HOCKEY PRODIGY IS A GOOD THING!  For fucks sake, I quit.

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