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Vulgar Statistics: First Quarter Compete Level Report

11/19/14

Compete Level

Once again this list proves to be stunningly accurate.  I don’t know why we even keep track of any other stats.  Top Compete Guys?  Of course it’s Mike Weber, Nicolas Deslauriers, and Marcus Foligno.

Was there any question Cody Hodgson would end up on the bottom along with Brian Flynn.  Brian Flynn has 0 penalty minutes!  Does Brian Flynn care at all or is he thinking about ponies and pudding while he’s on the ice?

I’m kind of surprised Torrey Mitchell is so low.  Maybe if he spent less time reading before bed like some kind of nerd and more time eating glass he’d be a little higher on this list.

Similarly Drew Stafford is surprisingly high, but then again we’re watching Contract Year: The Drew Staffording.  It’ll be great when he leads the team with 31 points and Darcy signs him to a $5M per deal in Phoenix.

Vulgar Statistics: The Worst NHL Team Of All Time Tournament

11/14/14

In honor of this season’s putrid Buffalo Sabres effort in which they are on pace to break a handful of 82 game and Post-05 Lockout Era records, I thought I would take a look at some of the worst NHL teams of all time.*

*All time in this case meaning expansion era.  No one gives a shit what happened prior to 1967.

How did I do it?  I took each team’s worst season in their history (based on points), sent the very worst to the “playoffs” and smashed them against one another until I had a winner.  And yes, I said worst team, so Quebec Nordiques, Hartford Whalers, Atlanta Flames, Cleveland Barons, Atlanta Thrashers, Winnipeg Jets 1.0, Minnesota North Stars, Colorado Rockies, Kansas City Scouts, and California Golden Seals?  You do not escape my wrath.  I threw the defunct teams into the current divisions haphazardly and adjusted the points for varying number of games played.  Playoff format is the same as it is now.

Read more…

Game 1 Recap: Playoff Push Receives Heavy Blow (NSFW)

10/10/14

The Sabres playoff push was delivered a near critical blow as Thursday’s 3-1 loss to the Blue Jackets puts them in last place in the NHL.  The crowd seemed at times disinterested, perhaps unaware that the Sabres entered the game tied for fifth place in the NHL and third in the division.  Sabres players certainly noticed.

“Why the fuck did 18,100 fans show up to root for us to be terrible?” questioned returning WNY hero and Sabres captain Brian Gionta.

“How can this season be any fun at all when the fans and half the media are openly hoping that we fail?” added noted Not Maple Leaf Josh Gorges.

GM Tim Murray broke his vow of silence to weigh in: “If this team is as bad as it was last year, fans should be very concerned,” he said with a dour glare.  “Because that means that our young guys have made no growth, and no amount of Connor McDavids is going to make up for that.”  He then briefly walked away before returning and grabbing the mic once more.  “You fucking idiots.”

In other news, our Compete Level stat gets a makeover.  It will be Hits + Blocked Shots + PIM + (Takeaways – Giveaways) per game.  We will also be unveiling a Compete per dollar component once the team has played a few more games.

Competitors of the Night:

Tyler Myers – 2 hits, 3 blocked shots, 2 PIM, 3 takeaways, 1 giveaway.

Nick Deslauriers – 6 hits in 6:55 of ice time.

Enigmatic Euros of the Night:

Matt Moulson – No hits, blocked shots, PIM, or takeaways.  For some reason played less than 15 minutes, because Nolan.

Game One Reactions – (“guest post”) Cowards in the Crow’s Nest

10/10/14
by

I was going to write something satirical about Sabres fans’ (and I use that term loosely) openly hoping this team loses, but Justin wrote The Cowards in the Crow’s Nest and nailed it before I woke up this morning. There’s also little point in satirizing a group of people that do such great work by themselves. Honestly, this season is shaping up to be one giant Onion Sports headline.

He’s @Jetios on Twitter, and he has a particular distaste for the “81 games away from having a better team” crowd:

These people, who hold next year’s draft in higher regard than this year’s roster, define the Sabres’ identity in the NHL — a culture of losing. These same people celebrate the start of next season on the very same day that a new season began, as if 2014–2015 is but another preseason to trudge through. They pull Sabres sweaters over their heads, but they have zero respect for those who wear the jersey on the ice today.

The logo on the chest rings hollow. They are not fans.

Read more…

Vulgar Opinions: Ted Nolan And Bryan Trottier Are Terrifying

09/16/14

Earlier today Bill Hoppe reported on how Ted Nolan called Trottier as a reference for another candidate which led to Nolan bringing on Trottier himself.  This article terrifies me, for two reasons.

“It’s like riding a bike,” he [Nolan] said. “I don’t care if Bryan didn’t coach for 50 years. He still knows how to hop onto that bike and ride and win.”

It’s asinine to think that someone will “always know how to coach” just because they did it once and were successful.  Things change in the NHL and coaching styles must change with them.  Ask Ken Hitchcock how that works.

“When Bryan Trottier walks into a room, all the players are going to listen,” Nolan said. “His experience about how to win (is terrific). People can talk to you about how they think they could win is one thing. Hearing from a person that actually won and knowing how to do it is a lot different.”

 

Barf.

What the goddamn hell is Trottier going to tell players about how to win?  “Jhonas…if you can stop a wrench, you can stop a puck.”

“How to win” is complete bullshit.  This team doesn’t need a coach that “knows how to win,” it needs a smart coach that is going to use the players to the best of their strengths and minimize their weaknesses.  Successful teams don’t know “how to win,” they put their players in the best possible position to succeed and hope they execute.  The best coaches are able to find the lineup and the matchups that make success as easy as possible.  (And, you know, they also have good players.)

Is The Buffalo News Publishing Sexist Articles To Scapegoat Kim Pegula?

09/10/14

An open letter to Lisa Bell Wilson, The Buffalo News’s Executive Sports Editor:

Ms. Wilson,

Why are you letting Bucky Gleason and Jerry Sullivan elevate Kim Pegula for criticism with incredibly sexist articles?

From Gleason’s Pegulas put a civic win in the books – The Buffalo News

“Some people have become wary of Kim Pegula. According to several current employees, Kim runs the Sabres while Terry is behind the scenes. Their basic message, added up: Terry is a good man but naïve; Kim has a controlling personality and is not as sweet as she comes across.”

As I’m sure you know, being perceived as “controlling” and “not as sweet as [one] comes across” is probably par for the course for any business leader (or one who is in control of things), and might even be seen as positive attributes were their target a man.

Meanwhile Jerry Sullivan has written:

“He [Terry] has a dubious public presence and poor PR sense, which is odd when you consider his wife has a background in public relations.”

Which again absolves Terry of guilt and places the blame on his wife.

As a woman in a leadership position, how can you let things like this see daylight?

 -Alex

Yet Another Thing Buffalo Has That Toronto Doesn’t

09/09/14

This isn’t hockey, but fuck it.  Terry Pegula (hockey!) has purchased the Buffalo Bills largely in the same manner that you or I would purchase Legos or alcohol (or both!).  That means that in addition to Josh Gorges and the 2015 and 2016 NHL Scouting Combines, this is yet another thing that Buffalo has that Toronto doesn’t.

Shit, we should get a CFL team anyway and see if we can take the Grey Cup too.

Shitty reporters from Toronto tabloids keep telling us how much worse Buffalo is than Toronto and yet people and things keep preferring the Queen City and not the…Muddy York?  Haha, really?  Wait…it looks like Toronto has a history of sucking.

Toronto has garnered various nicknames throughout its history. Among the earliest of these was the disparaging Muddy York, used during the settlement’s early growth. At the time, there were no sewers or storm drains, and the streets were unpaved. During rainfall, water would accumulate on the dirt roads, transforming them into often impassable muddy avenues.[8]

A more disparaging nickname used by the early residents was Little York,[1] referring to its establishment as a collection of twelve log homes at the mouth of the Don River surrounded by wilderness, and used in comparison to New York City in the United States and York in England.

Adjectives were sometimes attached to Little York; records from the Legislative Council of the time indicate that dirty Little York and nasty Little York were used by residents.

He hoped the name of Toronto would be adopted, and by that means the inhabitants would not be subjected to the indignity of residing in a place designated “dirty little York”.

It would in some measure meet his notice for a change of the seat of Government as much as could be done this Session, for it would change the name from “Nasty Little York” to the CITY OF TORONTO.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Jesus Fucking Christ I don’t even have anything else to say after that.  Holy shit.  “Ya, we should call our city Toronto because the alternative is Miserable Shit Muffin, eh?”

Enjoy Josh Gorges not playing for your Nasty Little York Maple Leafs, the Nasty Little York Bills not being a thing, and the NHL turning up its nose at holding one of its premiere events in Nasty Little York.

HAHAHAHA…

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