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Sabres Compete Level – Midway Point / Who Are These People?

01/12/15

Compete Level

The table is, like the Sabres’ play, pretty self-explanatory.  My second favorite thing this season is how the Sabres are so awful they skew every chart that any analytics person tries to make.  My favorite of course is the non-stop whining by national media about the number of nationally televised Sabres games.  These are, in large part, the same people that think SU is the only university in the history of the world.  Bite me.

More to the title?  Who are these people?

Mike Weber – Leave it to Mike Weber to actually not be awful when the Sabres are counting on him to be a tire fire every night.  I mean, he still looks like Mike Weber when he plays hockey, but he actually has among the better numbers on the team.  Conclusion: “Mike Weber” is really Andrew Ferrence in a Mike Weber jersey.

Marcus Foligno – I’m pretty sure the Sabres roster was built the same way reality TV show casts are.  Some casting director went to some backwoods bar to find the best looking awfulness to sell the show.  Hi Marcus!

Nicolas of Laurel – Pretty sure they told Deslauriers the game is bumper cars, not hockey.  Has scored a few goals by accident.

Josh Gorges – This sounds like an Ithaca frat boy nickname.  Remember that time Josh, like, took a dump off a cliff?  Heh, we should call him Josh Gorges.

Cody McCormick – WHYYYYYYYYY!!!  McCormick has the same combination of effort and skill as a Best Buy employee.

Nikita Zadorov – Zadorov is Russian, so clearly there’s a calculation error there.

Tyson Strachan – Strachan runs a dog adoption charity for strays.  First line defenseman for forever.

Tyler Myers – I feel like I’ve been watching dumb shots and even worse penalties from Myers for 30 years.  Conclusion: Tyler Myers can bend the fabric of space and time, trapping you in seconds that seem like centuries.

Patrick Kaleta 2.0 – Patrick Kaleta no longer lines people up for awful hits that I will tell every non-Sabres fan are 100% clean.  He’s like a less skilled Cody McCormick.

Zemgus “Officially Better than Crosby” Girgensons – Zemgus Girgensons got 100% of the all-star votes and plays every hockey game while engaged in hand to hand combat with between five and thirty-eight Latvian Demon-Bears.  I hope he runs around plastering people into the boards at the All-Star Game and all the people that whined at his selection have to admit he’s made it more interesting than it has been in years.

Rasmus Ristolainen – Rasmus Ristolainen is the best player Buffalo media hope fail so they don’t have to pronounce his name or admit a European is good at hockey.

Andrej Meszaros – I can’t tell the difference between him and Andre Benoit.  I propose we call them Andre(j) Benzaros.

Tyler Ennis – Ennis is that one guy in rec. hockey that is like the 11th best player in the league, but he always leads the league in goals because his team blows and their entire game plan is “feed the good guy the puck and let him take 23 shots a game.”

Chris Stewart – Ha!  Chris Stewart is a myth and does not actually exist.

Drew Stafford – If you make a list of the worst Sabres, Stafford doesn’t even make the top ten.  This is the highlight of his career.

Patriot Mitchell – Ain’t none o’ that commie redcoat Tory bullshit here son.

Brian Gionta – Waiting for the Parks and Rec. moment where they reveal Gionta is actually from Rochester…Michigan.

Matt Moulson – Matt Moulson is like a TV remote.  I think the Sabres lost it in their couch somewhere.

Brian Flynn – Flynn has actually played more games than Marcus Foligno.  Which is progress I guess.

Cody Hodgson – If you made Hodgson play without a stick he’d be the exact same player he is now.

Joel Armia – Armia played one game and hit four people.  Someone read up on Ted Nolan when they were called up.

Tim Schaller – Tim Schaller is such a gritty sounding name.  He sounds like he should be working in a steel mill.  Sabre for life.

Philip Varone – Same thing with Varone.  Schaller and Varone.  I’d buy hardware from those guys.

Mike Gr-*mumble noises* – Mork Gonzaga’s name is unpronounceable with the human tongue.  Mirkwood Greyhelm is currently tearing it up in Rochester and has a Great Pyrenees.  I like Macklemore Gringots.

Johan Larsson – Johan Larsson is going to be everyone’s favorite 3rd/4th liner in a few years.  He can’t play in the NHL right now because he’s better than Patrick Kaleta and Cody McCormick

Mark Pysyk – Guaranteed to have a mysterious “whole body injury” the next time the Sabres need to call up a defenseman.

Samson Reinhart – I went to watch Reinhart in Everett a few weeks ago and he looks bored.  Like he made the 20 best plays of the game and it looked like he was asleep the entire time.

Jonas Enroth / Michael Neuvirth – Sometimes in rec. hockey the goalies skate out for fun.  The Sabres should do that.

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