Vulgar Opinions: NHL Making Brilliant Rule Change
The NHL has once again opted to reduce the size of goalie pads in an effort to give the fans what they want, more shitty, weird-bounce, trickle-through goals. Because who doesn’t want to see more Matt Ellis floaters and Drew Stafford half-whiffs sneak through five-hole? Who doesn’t want to watch pucks bounce off of both of Henrik Tallinder’s feet, and then Mike Weber’s kneepads and hit the back of the net in a Rube Goldberg device of suffering?
I’m glad we have a league that thinks we’re dumb enough as fans to be riveted to our TV by a slight increase in the amount of split-second instances in which a goal is scored instead of the improvement of play in the other 99% of the time that makes up a hockey game. I’m glad that dump-and-chase is more accurately described as dump-and-get-dry-humped-into-the-boards-by-the-slow-defenseman. It’s good for hockey!
We want to increase scoring kinda sorta but not really because goals are kind of European and this is a MAN’S GAME! OLD TIME HOCKEY!
The worst part is that the changes aren’t even a bad idea. (Granted they’re not a good idea since smaller lighter pads will mean more agile goalies and likely more pucks played behind the net, but whatever.) They’re an okay idea, but they’re not the right idea, or at least not aimed at reducing the fact that so many hockey games turn into neutral zone clusterfucks. And that is unwatchable no matter how many pucks Tyler Myers somehow magicks through from the blue line.
Just more in a long list of dumb, half-assed, or ineffective changes that the NHL makes to bridge the impossible gap between the next generation of fans and the old school morons that hold all the leadership positions. (WE DIDN’T HAVE A EUROPEAN REF UNTIL 2009 ARE WE PLAYING ON MARS OR SOMETHING?!) Oh well, I look forward to Henrik Lundqvist sucking (more than usual).