Vulgar Opinions: The Archaic 6 And Why You Should Hate Them
Putting aside the proven fact that the Original 6 teams often get the benefit of the doubt when it comes to NHL Discipline, there are very specific reasons your head should boil over with rage every time some talking head brings up an Original 6 team like a jilted spouse brings up a ten year old argument.
The Montreal Canadiens
Founded: 1909 (joined NHL in 1917)
Logo Most Closely Resembles: An eight year old’s notebook doodle.
Biggest Offense: Rampant Xenophobia
Why You Should Hate Them: Geez, where do you begin? If they’re not doing their best to import all the worst parts of French culture and none of the charms, they’re filing police reports against opposing players and finding even newer and more inventive ways to whine. It’s cool that the Montreal Canadiens have a long rich history, and a ton of championships, but they’ve so watered down their product with pregame
delays ceremonies that none of it matters anymore. The most notable thing they’ve done in the past twenty years was run one of their franchise’s best players out of town. They’re the New York Yankees of hockey, if the New York Yankees had given up success for lent twenty years ago and then forgot it existed.
The Boston Bruins
Logo Most Closely Resembles: A bicycle tire
Biggest Offense: Existing
Why You Should Hate Them: Because Boston fans have handled the success of their sports teams about as well as the average lottery winner. This is what it looks like every time they win even the most meaningless of meaningless games:
Or every time one of their gargantuan players beats up on someone five inches and thirty pounds smaller. They’re billed as a great fanbase even though as few as five years ago they were in the bottom third of the league and they have as many appearances in the top ten since the 05-06 lockout as attendance powerhouses Los Angeles, Tampa Bay, Washington, and St. Louis. Oh, and they also have the worst home ice advantage in the NHL. At least they’re not the Red Sox though.
The Toronto Maple Leafs
Logo Most Closely Resembles: Nature’s trash
Why You Should Hate Them: On the surface, Toronto almost seems too pathetic to hate. Up until this season they hadn’t made the playoffs in a million billion years, and they haven’t won a cup since the mesozoic era. THEN they went and lost to the Boston Bruins in the most ball-kicking way possible. Plus their ownership constantly bilks their fans out of a ton of money for a terrible product. I might feel sorry for them if they didn’t send fans over by the truckload to Sabres games to prove that they too cannot handle their liquor. At least they can probably fill multiple buildings, unlike…
The Detroit Red Wings
Logo Most Closely Resembles: Boston’s
Why You Should Hate Them: Ah, the American answer to the Montreal Canadiens’ sense of entitlement and arrogance. Let’s be clear, ‘Hockeytown,’ isn’t some quaint nickname born out of years of fan support, it’s a marketing atrocity thought up by the team itself that is younger than I am. The worst thing about the Red Wings is how commentators seem to think they’re some beautiful symbol of American culture. Which part exactly? Their mostly European Roster? The Green Goblin they call their coach, embodying the worst in American villainy? Their crappy city, high crime, corrupt politicians, and anti-gay partnership? They’re like the Insane Clown Posse of the NHL, which is perfect because ICP is also from Detroit and also frequently plays to a bunch of empty seats.
The Chicago Blackhawks
Logo Most Closely Resembles: Racism
Why You Should Hate Them: I’m sorry, but did everyone convene in 2010 and agree to pretend that the Blackhawks have always been awesome? From 1999 to 2008, they couldn’t PAY people to watch the games. Here’s where they ranked in attendance those years: 21st, 23rd, 28th, 28th, 30th, 30th, 30th, 30th, and 28th. Then the team got good and the fans came back, which is how it works most places. And that’s fine, but let’s not ignore that and pretend Chicago is some kind of hockey mecca. Speaking of places that aren’t hockey meccas…
The New York Rangers
Logo Most Closely Resembles: What logo?
Why You Should Hate Them: They’re the worst. Their fans are stinky cretins. Brendan Shanahan played for them. Their last cup, widely regarded by their fans as some great victory, was against a seven seed with someone else’s captain in which they tried to injure Trevor Linden. NOBODY TRIES TO INJURE TREVOR LINDEN! They wouldn’t come close to filling their (small) building if there wasn’t 20 million people in the immediate vicinity. Their uniforms are stupid, their logo barely counts as one, they make every effort to buy a championship in a salary cap league, and no one seems to want to point out that their goalie is a perennial playoff loser. You know, when he gets there. They executed a trade for Rick Nash that was downright Milbury-esque and almost watched it blow up in their faces. They’ve played more boring hockey than New Jersey for much longer and don’t get any flak for it. They made us actually talk about shot blocking like it was a bad thing during last year’s playoffs (and if they somehow manage to win their series against Boston, this year’s playoffs). Lundqvists’s equipment is straight off the Staypuft marshmallow man. Their choker goalie was omitted from a Cosmo list and people acted like this was something worth caring about. John Tortorella is an enormous baby and would be the most annoying person on the planet if only he had Peter Laviolette’s face.
They are reality TV as a hockey team, all the glitter and glamour of Hollywood without any actual talent.