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“Season Is Over” Following Sabres Loss to Hurricanes


Last night’s loss to the Carolina Hurricanes brought with it some serious consequences that require a “top-to-bottom” evaluation, according to a hastily scribbled note that Black & Blue & Gold believes to have come from ownership itself. Lindy Ruff was lined up before the media like a firing squad, to answer for why this team will yet again miss the playoffs.

“Well of course it’s disappointing,” Lindy Ruff, coach of the Buffalo Sabres since before Google was founded, stated with a hollow echo where his hopes and dreams used to reside, “We started out this season well, y’know. Two straight wins. But to come in here and get this loss tonight…”

Lindy proceeded to shake his head for a moment, then picked up some pieces of paper and rearranged them, lost in thought. He sighed and sipped his water bottle before finishing, “…we didn’t plan on the season ending so soon. That’s for sure.”

“I threw the podium.”

Reporters tried to point out to Ruff that the Sabres are not yet mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, but that did not seem to do much for the coach’s spirits.

“Look, we’re still going to go out there and try to build on what we’ve got,” Ruff replied in a surly manner when asked if he would intentionally tank the rest of the season for a better draft position, “That way we can get some momentum and come out swinging next season. There are still games to play, and we can still get our youngsters some much-needed ice time.”

One reporter asked the question, “Lindy…did you hear that Brad Boyes had a three point night for the Islanders? What are your thoughts on that?”

“[Blasphemy]. [Expletive]. Damn it,” the tenured coach whose reign has touched three decades sighed before firing a question back, “But did he play any defense? How was Boysie’s two-way game, huh? Can you [expletive] answer that? I didn’t think so.”

The Sabres travel back to Buffalo in what will now be a funeral procession, with the season having been completely lost and all hopes of the Stanley Cup well out of reach, to face the Hurricanes in the second game of the home-and-home series. When asked how the Sabres will handle the Hurricanes tonight, after the Canes ended Buffalo’s season last night, Coach Ruff was quick to respond.

“[Expletive] ’em,” he swung out his hands in defeat, knocking the water bottle to the ground, “[Expletive] ’em, alright? Gah! I can’t [expletive]ing stand that [expletive]ing team.”


Jason Pominville was a bit more optimistic, but that may be runoff from the fact that he and Thomas Vanek are the only real hockey players on this team. Sure, sure…Cody Hodgson was able to ride their coat tails for a bit. But let’s face two facts: 1.) as Luke Adam proved, you could stick a warm corpse between Vanek and Pominville and it’ll score a few points, 2.) Hodgson totally kicked in that goal against Philly. It’s okay, that game’s over and the season’s toast. We can admit that.

When asked if he and Vanek took any consolation from being the only viable trade options due to their actual talent, Pominville was quick to respond.

“He and I’ve been doing this stuff since juniors,” the Sabres captain of two dead seasons explained slowly, “What, am I supposed to be impressed by us any more? I mean why don’t they get a couple of actual hockey players for the second line, huh?”

Pominville quickly apologized to Tyler Ennis, stating that he was just crabby because his back was sore from carrying this team through every win this season.

“It’s just one of those things, y’know…we didn’t battle and play hard all game,” Pominville recovered, “And that kind of play is just what our season consisted of. Y’know…we easily gave up a period of every game. That’s a third of every game. Well, now, we’ve lost a third of the games this season.”

The forlorn captain stared at the logo in the dressing room, covered in footprints of reporters that don’t care about stepping on it any longer, “A third of the games…you do the math.”


Sabres GM Darcy Regier could not be met for comment. However, Sabres President Ted Black played a voice mail left on his phone from the general manager:

You tell those ingrates that the season ended as soon as I got my contract extension. Now quit your crying.

BBG – your source for fake or parody pressers
One Comment leave one →
  1. mike permalink
    01/25/13 11:28 AM

    Well played

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