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Vulgar Opinions: Things I Would Trade For Other Things


Not visible: Visiting fan in dire peril. Photo credit: Don Heupel, AP

In the spirit of the impending trade deadline day, I figured I would take the chance to take potshots at virtually everything I can, and improve the Buffalo sports landscape while I’m at it.

Mike Harrington FOR Aaron Portzline – This one’s terribly lopsided, but I can dream right?  Portzline, one of the best in the business, gets to cover a real hockey team with real fans, and we banish Harrington to Columbus.

Any (Package of) Defensemen FOR Any Elite Forward – Because scoring goals is our problem, not keeping them out.  I think a large part of the defense’s struggles in recent years have come from high turnover.  Brian Campbell, Teppo Numminen, Henrik Tallinder, Dmitri Kalinin, Toni Lydman, Jay McKee, Rory Fitzpatrick, Nathan Paetsch, Jeff Jillson, Doug Janik, Jaroslav Spacek, Michael Funk, Mike Card, Marc-Andre Gragnani, Andrej Sekera, Nolan Pratt, Mike Weber, Craig Rivet, Chris Butler, Tyler Myers, Steve Montador, Jordan Leopold, Shaone Morrisonn, Christian Ehrhoff, Brayden McNabb, Robyn Regehr, TJ Brennan, and Joe Finley have all played defense for the Sabres since the lockout.  That’s 28 guys in 7 years.  It’s 14 in the last three (if you discount the spot duty by Finley and Brennan).  That’s absurd.  (Note: Upon further review, this isn’t completely out of the ordinary, but it is still a lot.)  I think our biggest problem is not the overall talent level, but a lack of continuity.

Windbreakers FOR Bikinis on the Ice Crew – Even the dudes…because, why not?

Sabretooth Aiming the T-shirt Cannon into the Sky FOR Sabretooth Aiming the T-shirt Cannon Point Blank at the Nearest Opposing Fan – FWOOOOMP!  AHHHHHH!

Game Programs FOR Miniature Lawnmowers on Every Seat Every Night Finley is up to Throw onto the Ice in Case He Scores – #LegendofJoeFinley

However Many Seats it Would Take FOR European Ice – Open the game up please.  More passing, more dangling, more scoring chances.

The Entire Southeast Division FOR the WCHA – Because I’m honestly not sure which is better.  (Sorry WCHA fans.)

Fans in Spandex Body Suits FOR Fans in Full Civil War Era Blue and Gold Officer’s Garb Complete With Sabre – Awesome.

Drew Stafford, Derek Roy, Ville Leino, and a First FOR Taro Tsujimoto – Sigh…

My Partner FOR Thomas Vanek’s Wife – Sorry darling.  I mean, I mean…I wouldn’t trade you for anything…you’re my world.

Any Number of Body Parts FOR A Stanley Cup – Seriously, get the bonesaw

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