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Vulgar Opinions: I’m Thankful I’m A Sabres Fan (NSFW)

11/24/11
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Disparage 29 fanbases on a holiday of good will?  Don’t mind if I do…

The Atlantic – Right off the bat I’m thankful my division isn’t named after a fucking ocean.

  • I’m thankful I’m literate…unlike Philadelphia Flyers fans.
  • I’m thankful I’m not morbidly obese…unlike Pittsburgh Penguins Fans
  • I’m thankful my voice doesn’t echo in my empty building…unlike New Jersey Devils fans.
  • I’m thankful I’m not a hipster douchebag…unlike New York Rangers fans.
  • I’m thankful I’m not literal garbage…unlike New York Islanders fans.

Northeast Division – I’m thankful we sit in the best division in hockey, still…

  • I’m thankful I sell out once in a while…unlike Ottawa Senators fans.
  • I’m thankful I don’t have a speech impediment…unlike Boston Bruins fans.
  • I’m thankful I speak English…unlike Montreal Canadiens fans.
  • I’m thankful I…I’m just thankful.

Southeast Division – I’m thankful my division puts more than one or two teams in the playoffs occasionally.

  • I’m thankful I have history…unlike Washington Capitals fans.
  • I’m thankful I don’t have the worst overall attendance in the last twenty years…unlike Carolina Hurricanes fans.
  • I’m thankful I’m not the Atlanta Thrashers…unlike Winnipeg Jets fans.
  • I’m thankful I’ve made the playoffs this decade…unlike Florida Panthers fans.
  • I’m thankful my GM wasn’t vastly better as a player than he is as a GM…unlike Tampa Bay Lightning fans.

Central Division – I’m thankful my division’s teams are in the right conference.

  • I’m thankful we’re a team and not a brand. This insult sponsored by Amway.
  • I’m thankful we’re not worse at hockey than the local college team…unlike Columbus Blue Jackets fans.
  • I’m thankful we don’t live in a crime-ridden cesspool…unlike St. Louis Blues fans.
  • I’m thankful our logo isn’t racist…unlike Chicago Blackhawks fans.
  • I’m thankful we spend to the cap ceiling and not the cap floor…unlike Nashville Predators fans.

Northwest Division – I’m thankful we don’t have Lambert watching our games.

  • I’m thankful it’s at least a little difficult to make gay jokes about my team…unlike Calgary Flames fans.
  • I’m thankful we’re at least the asshole of a relevant country…unlike Edmonton Oilers fans.
  • I’m thankful our European players are plenty likable, unlike Vancouver Canucks fans.
  • I’m thankful our brand of hockey doesn’t suck…unlike Minnesota Wild fans.
  • I’m thankful everything we’ve ever achieved wasn’t borrowed or stolen from someone in Canada…unlike Colorado Avalanche fans.

Pacific Division– I’m thankful all of my division’s teams will still be around in five years.

  • I’m thankful that I don’t need Paul Bissonnette to fill my arena with hobos to get anywhere near decent attendance…unlike Phoenix Coyotes fans.
  • I’m thankful we have enough fans to have a parade…unlike Anaheim Ducks fans.
  • I’m thankful I’m not in a category with Wesley Crusher…unlike Los Angeles Kings fans.
  • I’m thankful my team’s best player didn’t insult the media, the fanbase, and the management all in one last season…unlike Dallas Stars fans.
  • I’m thankful people care when my fellow fans show up…unlike San Jose Sharks fans.
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