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My Picks And Playoff Pool Standings

06/04/14

This is the worst Cup Finals since 2009 when we were treated to a repeat of two teams nobody f*cking likes.  This year we’re treated to one almost-repeat that nobody f*cking likes and an old piece of garbage that nobody f*cking likes.  Here are the Power Rankings of things I hate about this series:

1). Goalieturbation – I was sick of these goalies two years ago.  You’ve got one guy that, were he literally any other player, would be heavily derided by the hockey media because he’s won DIDDLEY!  SQUAT! in this league up until now.  The other is Jonathan Quick, who has reached deity status despite the fact that the Kings’ last cup run came because of the Herculean efforts of several other players, most notably Anze Kopitar, Dustin Brown, Justin Williams, and Drew Doughty and because they ran through a slew of easy teams like a half-Sedined Canucks team, a Pietrangelo and Halak-less Blues team, Phoenix (really?), and the New Jersey Devils who join the 2010 Flyers and 2006 Oilers in the pantheon of “Why the f*ck are you even here?”

I hope every game ends 38-36.

2). No One in these Markets Likes Hockey – Seriously.  These are terrible hockey markets.  The only reason they sell out is because there are a gazillion people living in the area.  If it snows in New York City, the Rangers draw 13,000.  If the Clippers or Lakers or Sacramento Kings or Suns make a playoff run, the Kings forfeit so everyone can watch basketball.

3). Rick Nash – Rick Nash is terrible.  He captained the Columbus Blue Jackets like Joe Hazelwood, that is to say, straight into a reef where they promptly leaked goo everywhere.  He has 10 points in 20 playoff games which makes him the least prolific important Rangers player.  He has the same number of goals as Ryan McDonagh, Dominic Moore, and Benoit Pouliot.  He has one more goal than Daniel Carcillo in 12 more games.  He is above .8 points per game in the regular season and at .5 points per game even in the playoffs.  If two players were ever in dire need of having the perceptions of them switched, it’s Rick Nash and Patrick Marleau.

A guy in my inline league last night said that he hates any team Rick Nash is on when I asked him (a Blues fan) who he was rooting for.  He is now my best friend.

4). Linda Cohn – Who sits in third overall in the pool and whose blatant NYR homerism may actually pay off.

5). All the dumb NYC – LA culture montages we’re bound to see over the next several days.  Both are filled with assholes.  LA residents are dirty.  NYC residents have superiority complexes.  On the redeeming side, LA has porn.  NYC has DGWU.  You could pick, but that’s like picking which testicle you want stabbed.

One of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen was an intro to a Monday Night Football for a Jets – Patriots game.  Chowder!  Pizza!  Lots of people who talk funny!  The NFL on ABC!  This is going to be so much worse.

My Pick: Los Angeles in 5 – For the love of god, a return to normalcy.  LA is really good.  NYR is a really good turd.  Glen Sather doesn’t win Stanley Cups.  Rick Nash doesn’t score playoff goals. Jonathan Quick is a sorcerer.

Picks

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