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We Will Have The Last Laugh (NSFW)

04/13/14
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It’s been a while since I recapped a game, and even longer since I chronicled my thoughts about the Boston Bruins in a semi-coherent manner.  With recent events, and a literal chore of a season coming to a close, now seems as good a time as any.

Call it a gut feeling, call it faith, call it whatever.  Just know that there is no basis behind it, which perhaps makes it all the more worthy to cling to, but I cannot shake the feeling that in this rivalry, at some point, the Buffalo Sabres will have the last laugh.  I first started attending Sabres games in 2007-2008.  The first win I ever saw was the February Tenth game in which Boston Bruins fans Olli Jokinen nearly completely on purpose accidentally sliced Richard Zednik’s head off.  The next season I purchased my first ten game mini-pack and, wanting to spread the love in a way that is uniquely Buffalo and that no one in black and yellow will ever know, started taking my younger sisters to games.

My youngest sister’s first win was actually Teppo Numminen’s last game, this 6-1 shellacking of the Comic Sans Warriors.  The complete lack of respect and decorum coming from the east was out in full force, but it mattered not as even Chris Butler and Matt Ellis tallied goals over the Boston Goon Squad.  Milan Lucic was his usual unimpressive self and the epic failure we got to see live was emblematic of Manny Fernandez’s time in the colors of unhealthy urine and blood-darkened poop.

The older of my two younger sisters had to wait a little longer, finally seeing her first victory at this game.  You guessed it, against Boston Bruins.  The highlights of that night were “Happy Drew Year” with Staffords game-tying hattrick goal in the final minute and immature man-child Tukka Rask melting down so much in between periods that he had to be pulled for Tim Thomas.  Who subsequently melted down in the shootout like the symbol of Boston’s utter lack of empathy that he is.

Obviously recent history is a bit more memorable.

Boston became a team so gosh darn tough it let Evander Kane handle business against Matt Cooke instead of doing it themselves.  This coming despite a roster featuring Shawn Thornton, fist runway Gregory Campbell, and paragons of toughness Run Away!, and Dude Who Couldn’t Win a Fight Against Someone 80 Pounds Lighter.  Boston has gone from an integral part of this country’s struggle for independence to a bunch of sad racists constantly jerking off to misguided notions of toughness.  Often “toughness” is defined by Boston fans as how hospital-bound one of their meathead players can leave a member of the opposition.  Some of the greatest hits have included Zdeno Chara slamming Max Pacioretty’s head into a stanchion (a move so grotesque even Jack Edwards put on his “this is bad you guys” tone), Milan Lucic cross-checking and then punching a defenseless Maxim Lapierre in the face, the very same Milan Lucic throwing an elbow at the head of Ryan Miller after losing the puck on a breakaway (gold star to the refs for saving Milan Lucic there), Zdeno Chara boarding Tommy Wingels and cross-checking Tomas Hertl in the face (I sense a pattern), and really so many other incidents that it’s impossible to remember them all.

It’s become chic in Boston to extend apologism far into the regions of absurdity by victim-blaming for these hits, or to moralize at and bully innocent Sabres fans for supposedly being in a different ship entirely with John Scott and company.  We aren’t, and we’re more ashamed than you are of being in the idiot tough guy club.  Unbelievably the Boston Globe descends below the cesspool of The Buffalo News with writers actively applauding crosschecks to the face, and the city’s best hockey writers give tacit endorsement to the same act.  Unless John Scott does it of course.  I’m forced to conclude that they just don’t watch much Bruins hockey.  Par for the Boston sports fan course.  Time to whip out those Red Sox hats guys and gals.

Ironic that Scott gets the goon label when that’s pretty much all he’s good at.  It’s like blaming a bending unit for bending.  Chara and Lucic are good at a bunch of other things that are useful to winning hockey, so what’s their excuse when they put someone in the hospital?

If it isn’t abundantly clear by now, we’re better than them.  We’re better people, we’re better sports fans, and even though the third jerseys are horrible, they’ll never look as bad as that Comic Sans B.

We will have the last laugh.

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