Suffering Pronounced Finished With Konopka Claim, Mission Accomplished Banner Hangs Over FNC
The Buffalo Sabres have ended their fans’ suffering with the claiming of Zenon Konopka early Friday afternoon. ”We’re excited to have his offensive prowess on the team,”said Sabres not-GM Pat Lafontaine. Konopka has piled up 103 goals and 166 assists in 350 games split between the Penguins, Grizzlies, Mighty Ducks, Pirates, Crunch, and Admirals making him the Sabres biggest offensive talent since a wiley Doug Bodger was dangling herbs and dishing sick feeds from 1989 to 1996.
“We’re excited to have Zenon join the team,” said Sabres oh-god-please-be-interim coach Ted Nolan. “He’s a real blue collar type of guy, works hard in the corners. His nickname in the locker room is already Gritty McGritGrit. He’s like a tougher Shane Doan without all that fancy sh*t.”
“Well with John Scott moving to the first unit power play, we obviously needed a guy to compliment him on the second unit,” said Sabres special teams coach, A Box With A Face Drawn On It.
Konopka joins Johan Larsson in coming to the Sabres all the way from the land of
Canada Minnesota, probably punching Jason Pominville as they passed each other somewhere in Ohio.
“Konopka is a rare talent,” said Sabres faceoff consultant Bottled Glowing Insanity. ”He actually wins 120% of the faceoffs he doesn’t take, so you know he’s pretty special.”
Konopka is expected to improve the Sabres’ faceoff woes merely by looking at pictures of red dots. He’ll improve the team in other areas as well. You might have noticed John Scott racking up a lot of “reputation penalties.” By claiming Konpka, Lafontaine has offered the brilliant solution of Zenon Konopka reputation penalties instead.
“Obviously we need to keep John Scott on the ice,” said Lafontaine.
Sabres players were enthused by the move too. “Zenon?” asked Tyler Ennis. ”Dude must me some kind of alien. That’s awesome bro.” John Scott has already left a Bash Brothers heavy metal mix in Konopka’s locker stall and Captain Steve Ott the Pirate has given him “one o’ them plunderin’ sabres for the new Sabre matey.”
Konopka is expected to make his debut for the current New Jersey Devils (and future Quebec Whogivesashits) on Saturday at 7:00 PM Eastern and 4:00 PM Pacific, you know, just in case you live out there or something.