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Gameday Preview: Intent To Injure Sideshow Coming To Buffalo (NSFW)

12/19/13

As early as 2006-2007 the Boston Bruins were likable.  Remember those Bruins?  They were fun!  Marc Savard was their leading scorer, Phil Kessel was still around, Zdeno Chara was new, Wayne Primeau was still a thing and they had the five headed monster of Tim Thomas, Hannu Toivonen, Joey MacDonald, Brian Finley, and Philippe Sauve in net.  And Milan Lucic, soft, delightful, shows up every other game like a big Drew Stafford Milan Lucic was off targeting heads for the Vancouver Giants.

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Pictured: Riley Cooper + 4 or 5 IQ points

And then the neighborhood went downhill from there.  I looked up ‘Boston Bruin injuries caused’ on Bing and my computer exploded so you’ll have to bear with me as I go off the top of my head:

Milan Lucic crosschecks the head of Maxim Lapierre in the playoffs in 2009.  (You’ll have to forgive me as I take a brief aside.  It is hilariously ironic that each of those fanbases is exactly what they think of the other.  Bruins fans are a bunch of incessant whining softies, and Canadiens fans are a bunch of bullying meatheaded arrogant douchebags.  Delicious.  Lapierre?  Subban?  Lucic?  You guys have always deserved, and eternally will deserve each other.)

Johnny Boychuk slashes Buffalo’s best player, Thomas Vanek’s knee in the 2010 playoffs, causing him to slide into the corner where Boychuk then proceeds to step on Vanek’s leg, altering the course of the series.  Although this did give us a LOL-worthy moment after their subsequent series against the Flyers.

Zdeno Chara breaks Montreal’s best player, Max Pacioretty’s neck in March of 2011, but isn’t suspended because he didn’t mean to do it.  Right, neither did Captain Joe Hazelwood, and if Dennis Hopper has taught us anything, it’s that that guy is a dick.

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“Didn’t mean to”
I’m not defacing a picture of the great Dennis Hopper with text.  You’ll get this one a few images down.

Milan Lucic barrels over Buffalo’s best player, Ryan Miller while the Sabres make the foolish mistake of standing around watching and trusting supplementary discipline.  Lucic says that the Bruins would have “handled things differently,” which Shawn Thornton later proves accurate.  (The previous method of handling things, letting Evander Kane one-punch those big mean Penguins, no longer tested well in the focus groups.)

Zdeno Chara boards Tommy Wingels and crosschecks San Jose Sharks best Young player, Tomas Hertl in the head.  Patrick Kaleta was suspended five games just for watching the highlight.

Raise your hand if you suck.

Raise your hand if you suck.

Shawn Thornton assaults clean player and perennial Lady Byng candidate Brooks Orpik causing him to get stretchered off.  Mayor Thomas Menino gives Thornton the key to the city.  Boston fans, fresh with sober perspective after a catastrophic head injury to Loui Eriksson celebrate a catastrophic head injury to Brooks Orpik.

Brad Marchand boards the Calgary Flames best young player Sean Monahan.  I had to look that one up because who can remember this shit at this point?

Not that we should expect much from a city full of assholes and man-children.

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Or the Fox News of hockey announcing.

Jack Edwards

 

But on to more current matters.  The Bruins have a bunch of wins, far fewer losses and some overtime losses probably, making them one of the better teams in the Eastern Conference and thus maybe the 12th best team in the NHL (Edmonton, Calgary, they thank you) so neither of us will be celebrating a Stanley Cup victory this season.  We can also find camaraderie in the fact that both of our owners are terrible human beings.

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For the love of god, someone take it away from him before he melts it down and sells it.

Projected Lines:

No – One – That

Would – Help – Us

Win – This – Game

Matt Ellis – Zemgus Girgensons – Brian Flynn

-

Christian Ehrhoff – Relative Corsi lottery winner

Oh – God

We – Suck

-

Brick Wall

Spare Brick Wall

People from Boston that Aren’t Horrible:

DOY Christmas00d/25/arve/g2396/015

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People from Boston that are:

DOY Christmas

Huh, that explains a lot actually.

Huh, that explains a lot actually.

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If Nickelback wrote Irish Songs

Yes, it's Doug Janik.

Yes, it’s Doug Janik.

 

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