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Vulgar Opinions: Gutter Trash (NSFW)

11/30/13

Usually I save the anger-laden hit pieces for teams like Detroit and the New York Rangers.  And yes, while Detroit is more Whinertown than the ridiculous corporate “Hockeytown” and New York City might be a den of hubris and arrogance, tonight I want to talk about the Toronto Maple Leafs and their gutter trash fans that make the two hour trek from Toronto to Buffalo to watch their beloved Maple Leafs get curb stomped on a pretty consistent basis.  I don’t really hate the Maple Leafs, I pity them, but their fans need to learn a few things.

Dear Maple Leafs fans,

First of all, I find it preposterous that you can act like you hate us with a straight face.  You can drop all the dumpster metaphors, you love Buffalo, and you love us.  Your greedy asshole ownership and your inept management (who seems to want to make a concerted commitment to stupidity in its shunning of advanced stats) have not only priced you out of your own building in favor of rich box-buying fat-cats, but kicked you in the junk on the way out with the shitty product you want so badly to watch.  You come crawling across the Peace Bridge like a cheating spouse looking for mercy and we’re oh-so-happy to give it to you.  The dirty secret is we’re only too glad to let you pay for our season tickets by buying up three games of putrid hockey between putrid teams.  Colton Orr and John Scott?  Don’t miss that one.

You might have given rise to the Hockey Gods, but at some point along the way (1968 I guess), they decided that you kind of sucked and that they were going to come live in the United States for a while, save for the garage full of Cups that went to Edmonton, Calgary, and Montreal.  (How does that feel, by the way?  I mean we’re Buffalo, but believe us, there is nothing more pathetic than rooting for the Oilers, Flames, or Canadiens for twenty games a year and acting like you won something afterward.  We know better.)  And it’s super fun that you’re so starved for good hockey that you’ll even come to our building for non-Leafs games.  Keep spending your money on our team in our city!

Of course, that usually comes with bullshit antics like vandalizing our arena (How about them World Junior Classic apples assholes!), attempting to tear the flag during the flag pass, and throwing beer cans on the ice, something I’ve only seen once (as in one literal beer can) in the fifty plus hockey games I’ve been to.  We’ll forgive the obvious irony in you being so proud of ‘inventing the game’ and simultaneously being unable to act like you’ve been there before (although I guess in the modern NHL, you haven’t) mostly because we like the mental picture of your schmucks’ misery on your long ride home.  Oh, and as I mentioned before, we also like taking your money on top of it.

Have fun cursing our city as you make the trek back to fuck-all because if you were rich enough to actually live in Toronto, you’d be rich enough to watch in your own building.  You’re welcome for the hockey tickets, thank you for the win, and have fun stewing in the fact that you’re further from class than we are from a Stanley Cup.

Sincerely, Buffalo.

33 Comments leave one →
  1. Billy Sweetfoot permalink
    11/30/13 2:59 PM

    You shouldn’t finish with “Sincerely, Buffalo”. You should explore other options, maybe something like ” Sincerely, Left wing apologist guilt ridden homosexual who doesn’t like the kiss cam at amerks games.” I find it funny that you talk of hubris and arrogance, but you speak for the people like you’re some sort of God.

    • 11/30/13 3:59 PM

      Maybe I am.

    • 11/30/13 6:43 PM

      You have a small cock, Billy, or so says my mom. You also have the distinction of being a stupid piece of shit who masturbates to Rush Limbaugh masturbating to Ted Cruz masturbating to the burning of Amendments 1, 3 through 10, 12 through 16, 21 through 24, and 26 to our United States Constitution while Wagner plays from an old tape deck. Dick.

      • Billy Sweetfoot permalink
        11/30/13 10:32 PM

        You shouldn’t talk to your mother about those things. She loves my tiny Dick, she said it reminds her of yours. What I’m confused about is why you assumed I listen to Rush Limbaugh And that I love Ted Cruz. I called our friend Alex a homosexual, that is what he is. I’m fairly certain that it’s a fact, please correct me if I’m wrong. Is it because I called him a left winger or an apologist or a guilt ridden white person? I’m sure it is. But, that doesn’t automatically make me some wild Tea Party freak. You actually couldn’t be further from the truth (except for my obviously tiny dick).

      • 11/30/13 11:57 PM

        Billy, I didn’t say you listen to Rush Limbaugh. Or that you love Ted Cruz. I said you masturbate to the former while he masturbates to the latter masturbating to something else. Get your facts straight. So your masturbatory habits arise out of loathing? That’s cool.

        Also, your comments about Alex are fucking asinine. The Kiss Cam is moronic and plays on institutionalized gender, all white people would do well to recognize their privilege and work to reduce the inequalities on display in our world, and us whities can do that without guilt or apologies but simply with compassion and objective recognition of the fucked up nature of things.

        Also, I enjoyed your acceptance of my joke about your small dick. Nicely done. Truly.

      • Billy Sweetfoot permalink
        12/01/13 3:51 AM

        Everything you just said in the most recent comment makes me sick. Fucking privileged? Are you kidding me? Let’s talk about privileged. Black people get first dibs on police and fire jobs because they are black. Black people go to college for free because they are black. That my friend is privileged, and we give them these privileges because we feel guilty as Fuck for something that happened long before any of us were born. My ancestors had nothing to do with slavery, but now I should feel bad about it? Fuck that. It’s ridiculous that the assumption is that a white person can shit hundreds of thousands of dollars out for college just because we are white and like you say, “privileged”. It’s sad that it’s so shameful to be white and proud, and I should lower my head and step aside for someone of another race because I’m some privileged Dick head white person. My family has never had anything handed to them, we’ve all worked very hard to earn what we have. They didn’t boo hoo and expect preferential treatment when they were hated immigrants, they went to work and built something. The kiss cam thing is outrageous, big deal if they showed two men on the cam and everyone laughed. Why is it that everyone should tiptoe around in fear of offending someone? If you are gay, good for you. It’s something that doesn’t bother me and I don’t look at you any Fucking different, so stop crying about stupid shit like the kiss cam. You Fucking kids need to stop taking what your liberal, self loathing, guilt ridden professors are saying and treating it like gospel. Oh and nothing gets me more worked up for a nice furious session of masturbation like pure hatred, I just sit and look at photos of guys and blacks and just go to town while I curse at there faces, It’s so Fucking satisfying.

      • Billy Sweetfoot permalink
        12/01/13 3:54 AM

        *Meant to type “gays and blacks” in my masturbation comment. Freudian slip or auto-correct, I’ll let you decide.

  2. mike sweetdick permalink
    11/30/13 4:06 PM

    damn

  3. 11/30/13 11:41 PM

    Not sure if satire now?

  4. 12/01/13 4:34 AM

    Alex is pretty awesome, cut him some slack.

    • 12/01/13 8:16 AM

      This has been fun. Same time next week, Billy? Make sure to bring your reading comprehension and complete lack of self-awareness, you confused little boy.

    • 12/01/13 8:17 AM

      And you, Marcus? Don’t go changing.

    • Billy Sweetfoot permalink
      12/01/13 6:53 PM

      He didnt say that eether.

  5. 12/01/13 8:13 AM

    You smell like cheese.

  6. 12/01/13 3:50 PM

    That went from slightly amusing bigotry to flat out racist/homophobic rant real quick. Way to escalate things, Billy Sweetfoot (if that is your real name). You are now my favorite person of the day!

    • Billy Sweetfoot permalink
      12/01/13 4:12 PM

      Give me adress and I’ll send an attograff.

      • 12/01/13 4:20 PM

        What are you, a washed up rockstar? I will take the autograph.
        395 E. Ferry Street
        Buffalo, New York 14208

      • Billy Sweetfoot permalink
        12/01/13 5:02 PM

        Keep an eye on the mail.

      • Billy Sweetfoot permalink
        12/01/13 5:03 PM

        That btich alexx eddited my comment, I spelled attograff rite. Fucking Dick hole.

      • 12/01/13 5:21 PM

        That’s not nice, Billy. Please don’t curse. I’m sure Alex is a really nice guy in real life. Just because you are a simple minded moron doesn’t give you leave to curse.

      • Billy Sweetfoot permalink
        12/01/13 6:51 PM

        Real mature man. Keep editing my comments. Fagot.

      • Billy Sweetfoot permalink
        12/01/13 8:07 PM

        I can’t wait to visit the NAACP and see my autograph on the wall. So excited.

  7. 12/01/13 4:59 PM

    Nice job editing my comment Alex. You beat me to it. I apologize for my earlier indiscretions.

    • Billy Sweetfoot permalink
      12/01/13 6:51 PM

      I too feel the shame.

      • Billy Sweetfoot permalink
        12/01/13 8:05 PM

        Edit again.

  8. 12/01/13 7:01 PM

    Oh the irony of calling me immature while refusing to provide a real name and posting ‘faggot’ on several articles.

    • Billy Sweetfoot permalink
      12/01/13 8:04 PM

      You shouldn’t change comments. It’s hypocritical, I’m just being as immature as you. Leave the comments as they are and fight back. I’m allowed to write what I want without you changing it like your [not my edit] the leader of the DPRK. Man up and fight your own battles. Who will ever take you seriously of you can’t offer an educated response to outrageous comments like myself and Marcus have made? [Also not mine.] You’re a nobody and you know it. You look for attention and that’s why you attack people about lgbt [not me] rights on a constant [not me] basis.

  9. 12/01/13 8:20 PM

    The aynonymous person that wants a personal response is accusing me of wanting attention.

    • Billy Sweetfoot permalink
      12/01/13 8:39 PM

      Instead of changing my comments, just respond. Come on blogger guy, you’re pathetic as the team you blog about.

      • 12/01/13 8:49 PM

        I guess I don’t feel the need to have a conversation about my sexuality in the comments section of a completely unrelated article with an anonymous internet rando [sic]. I know it must seem strange that I don’t particularly care to play by your (arbitrary) rules of proper decorum, but it seems that you could stand to learn a few things by playing on a field that is inherently uneven. (Not that I hold out hope that you actually will.)

    • 12/02/13 4:08 PM

      I wish there was a way to find out who Billy’s real identity is. Shame that he feels he has to hide himself given his informed, fresh and non-offensive. Now I wish I gave him my real address instead of the local office for the NAACP

      • Ted permalink
        12/03/13 5:04 PM

        How do you not realize you’re being trolled? Just stop feeding him. He has been laughing at you this entire time because you let him get to you.

  10. Dan permalink*
    12/02/13 9:57 AM

    but who was leafs?

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