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What Went Wrong: The New York Rangers (NSFW)

05/25/13

This is a continuing series that will explore why the various teams that fall by the wayside did exactly that.

Ha ha ha you stupid fucking assholes.  What went wrong?  Oh lord where do you start.  First of all, the Rangers GM is a god damned idiot who keeps trying a Yankees-style player acquisition system in a salary cap league.  He picked up Rick Nash in the offseason for Tim Erixon, Artem Anisimov, Brandon Dubinsky, and a 2013 1st which all but crippled the Rangers’ secondary scoring and set of intangibles making them a top heavy and therefore easy team to play against (which is bad, as the 2011 Blackhawks showed us).  The Rangers top scoring bottom six forward was Taylor Pyatt who contributed 6 goals and 5 assists in 48 games.  Jesus Christ even the Sabres matched that, with Brian Flynn who did it in 22 fewer games.

The Rangers are a complete mess with a goaltender who isn’t as good as everyone says he is and a GM that has no idea how to build a winner outside of dumping a mountain of cash on a given year’s top free agent.  They advanced a round in the playoffs this year because Washington sucks too and because they blocked a preposterous amount of shots for Henrik Lundqvist, 249 to be exact or a rate of 20.75 per game.  That pace would set a regular season record by about 300.  And I know, I know, it’s fucking stupid that we have to talk about shot blocking again, but hear me out.  Maybe…just maybe we don’t need to make a rule against blocked shots.  Maybe we need to make a rule against the New York Rangers playing hockey.

It’s a shame that New Jersey has become the poster child for boring shitty hockey, because the Rangers have been doing it much shittier and for much longer.  Watching the Rangers attempt to dry hump their way around the ice is like putting a rock on the ground and watching it erode.  It’s worse actually, because you’ll either die or the rock will actually erode, but the New York Rangers will not win a cup with this management.  Get ready for another optimistic offseason Rangers fans, in which you sign a top free agent and the skies brighten.  You’ll say, “we still have an elite (nope!) goaltender, and a decent set of playmakers, the window is still open!”  No.  It closed the day Glenn Sather took the job.

Sather has missed the playoffs five times in twelve years and currently has a 5-7 record in playoff series or as it’s known in the business: “slightly worse than Darcy Regier.”  And it’s not like the Rangers are only contemporarily shitty either.  It’s worth pointing out that of the original six teams, they have both won, and been to the fewest Stanley Cup Finals.  Yes…they’re worse than Toronto.  So the Rangers are a never-ending cycle of boring shitty players playing for boring inept management.  They even decided to wear boring shitty uniforms to complete the ensemble.

Ah, but what was responsible for this fuck up?  Just being bad.  That’s it.  No grand plummet, no epic losses.  They just suck.  They couldn’t score because in New York it seems more important to pad Henrik Lundqvist’s stats than to actually win hockey games.  Not that Lundqvist was far and away the best goaltender in the playoffs anyways, although those two words, far and away, do describe the closest his overrated ass will ever get to a Stanley Cup championship, unless the Detroit Red Wings cart him there as a 40 year old backup.  The Bruins just beat the piss out of them in pretty much every facet, even the one thing the Rangers are good at, blocking shots for the sake of Lundqvists’s save percentage (93-88).  They were better at even strength and better on special teams, and the players that matter were better too.  Rick Nash might have been more helpful to the Rangers this season if he still played for Columbus and Brad Richards decided to begin going the way of the Drury…and the Redden, which is doubly hilarious because Wade Redden actually has the same number of goals as Nash and Richards did this playoffs.

Every year a bunch of idiots fall under the Rangers’ spell, forgetting that they suck because their style of play is good at masking sucking, and the Rangers are so god damned boring no one watches them anyway.  Good riddance.

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