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Post-Game Reaction: Bruins @ Sabres – Pre-season Game 2

09/26/12
by

Welcome back, fans! We’re here with the re-cap for the second pre-season game of the season. Let’s see what happens this week on your favorite show (by default) during the lockout:

This week’s episode of “Oh Those Sabres!” starring:

Jason Pominville as “Pommer Sabre”
Ryan Miller as “Millsy Sabre”
Ville Leino as “Leino Sabre”
and Joshua Jackson as “Cody Hodgson Sabre”

Guest Starring:

Zdeno Chara as “Mister Bruins”
Jimmy Durate as “Brad Marchand Bruins”
and Milan Lucic as “Grade A Prime Beef

SCENE 1 – The Sabres’ Living R0om

LEINO comes running down the stairs, looking to head out for a night on the town. POMMER sees him and puts down his paper.

POMMER
And where do you think you’re going?

LEINO
Hey Cap’n. All the European players are hanging out down at the ar-cade tonight. I’m gonna meet up!

POMMER
I don’t think so. Those lazy Europeans will turn you into a ne’er-do-well.

LEINO
Cap’n…I am a European.

POMMER
[under his breath] Exactly

[laughter]

POMMER
Millsy’s in the kitchen getting ready for supper, and you need to stick around.

LEINO
Whyyyyyyyyyy?

The kitchen door opens. MILLSY comes in, a mixing bowl in hand.

MILLSY
Because-

[MILLSY has to wait for the canned laughter to stop]

MILLSY
…because the Bruins have come all the way in from Boston, and we’re all going to be here for dinner.

LEINO
What are we having? Boston Baked Beans?

[laughter]

POMMER
Now Leino…Millsy’s working very hard on the food. You go wash up and…say. Where’s Cody?

MILLSY
Oh, he’s still at practice. Teaching the little guys how to play.

LEINO
[aside] You mean Gerbe and Ennis?

[laughter]

POMMER
Listen. You go get dressed for dinner.

LEINO
Can I go out after the Bruins leave then?

POMMER
No way, mister. You’ve never shown us you can stick to more than one plan at once.

MILLSY
You might say he’s a…bad two way player?

[laughter]

Commercial break.


Back from commercial, MILLSY and POMMER are setting the table. LEINO comes bounding down the stairs when the doorbell rings.

POMMER
Alright, family, they’re here. Everybody put on your best faces. We need to be ready for a full sixty minutes and win some battles.

POMMER walks over to the door and opens it. MISTER BRUINS enters, with BRAD MARCHAD BRUINS walking in behind him.

[raucous cheers...goes on for several moments, and nobody is able to speak]

LEINO
[does take to camera, indicates toward audience] Low brow comedy.

[audience "Ooooooooohhhhh"]

POMMER
Welcome, welcome. Welcome in to our home, I-

MISTER BRUINS
ERRRRRRRRRRRRHHRHRH!!!!

[laughter]

MISTER BRUINS holds his hand out. POMMER looks hesitant, but reaches out to shake it. POMMER drops to his knees as MISTER BRUINS squeezes too hard.

POMMER
Quite the grip there, Pops!

MISTER BRUINS
ER!

BRAD MARCHAND
You could say he’s crushing you wit’ his BEAR HANDS!

[laughter]

MILLSY comes in from the kitchen, carrying the last plate, a meatloaf.

MILLSY
Oh, the Bruins are here! And look at little Brad Marchand. MY, how you’ve grown!

BRAD MARCHAND
I ain’t little, ya mook! Why I oughtta…

MILLSY
I really have to say thank you for not bringing-

[BARKING off screen]

ALL THE SABRES
OH NO! Not again!

Bounding through the door on all fours, GRADE A PRIME BEEF bounds into the house and jumps right at MILLSY! The plate goes flying and the meatloaf goes everywhere! MILLSY stumbles backward and falls onto the table, and GRADE A PRIME BEEF jumps on top of him and scatters dishes and glasses and cutlery everywhere!

[laughter]

[more laughter]

[no, really. they're still laughing]

MILLSY is picking himself up off the floor. LEINO is playing “got cher nose” with BRAD MARCHAND, and POMMER is still trying to make himself look like half the patriarch MISTER BRUINS is. GRADE A PRIME BEEF pants, pees on the coach, and eats the meatloaf with his face.

Enter CODY HODGSON. [audience cheers and whoops wildly]

CODY HODGSON
Sorry I was late guys. I forgot my keys.

BRAD MARCHAD
Ya mean you were…LOCKED OUT!?

[laughter and applause]

CODY HODGSON
I guess. Aw shucks, what happened to Millsy?

BRAD MARCHAND
He forgot that Grade A Prime Beef always tops meatloaf.

[laughter]

LEINO
Is someone going to help Millsy up off the floor? I would but…that looks like a lot of work. [yawns]

Phone rings.

POMMER
I have to get this. Mister Bruins, could you lend Millsy a hand? Cody Hodgson, you too.

CODY HODGSON
A-okay!

MISTER BRUINS
ERRRR!

POMMER answers the phone.

POMMER
Y’hello? …oh, yes! Why yes, Cody Hodgson just came in. …yes, the Boston Bruins are here too. …you could say things are getting…messy.

[laughter]

CODY HODGSON
Are you okay, Millsy?

MILLSY
Whateverrrr.

[laughter]

GRADE A PRIME BEEF
Bark! WOOF! [jumps on Millsy again]

LEINO
Why don’t I take Prime Beef outside before he- Oh no! Not the logo!

GRADE A PRIME BEEF is peeing on the welcome mat, which is the Sabres’ logo.

POMMER
Leino, wait a moment. This is important. …uh huh…right. …let me put you on the speaker phone.

POMMER puts the phone on speaker.

PHONE
WAH WAH WAAAH MWAH WAH!

CODY HODGSON
Hey Coach Ruff! What’s going on?

PHONE
WAH WAAH MWAH MWAH WAAAAH MWAAAAH WAH WAH!

MILLSY
WHAT?

PHONE
WAAAAAHHH!!! WAAAAAHH WAH MWAAH WAH! [click]

CODY HODGSON
…what does that mean?

POMMER
[sigh] It means…we can’t come in to work.

MISTER BRUINS
Er?

POMMER
I don’t know. I don’t know what we’re going to do.

[audience is in awkward silence while the SABRES and the BRUINS look at each other anxiously]

BRAD MARCHAND
Welp…looks like we’re eating Boston Baked Beans from now on!

[laughter]

THE END

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