Skip to content

Post-Game Reaction: Sabres @ Montreal – Pre-season Game 1

09/24/12
by

Screw the NHL. I don’t need them to write a post-game reaction. Here’s my thoughts on the first Buffalo Sabres pre-season game of 2012.

I don’t need the league, I don’t need the players, I don’t need the teams, and I don’t need the game. I don’t need any of that garbage to write a post-game reaction.

Pictured: all I need to write about hockey.
And yes, the Sabres wore the goathead tonight.

First off, let’s congratulate the  Canadiens de Montréal! Great job to le Québécois for flexing their muscle and showing how they are a sovereign and independent country, telling the NHL to gtfo and that they cannot lock out in French Canada! La resistance lives on, mes amis! You sure showed the labour board (guys, it’s spelled l-a-b-o-r). By the way, no, this article will not be simulcast.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s move on to the starting lineups for each team.

The Hab Nots:

  • Scott Gomez is still on this team, and it’s hilarious.
  • Yannick “The Other Weber” Weber
  • Erik Cole’s AARP card didn’t come in on time, so Aaron Palushaj effectively replaced his grittiness.
  • Travis Moen looked great beacuse this is the pre-season. Habs fans swear they won’t be fooled by that this year.
  • Peter Budaj remembers when he was the starter for the Avs. Those were the days…
  • Max Pacioretty is at home with food poisoning. The Montreal police are hunting down Zdeno Chara as a suspect.
  • Kimbo Slice
  • Gabriel Dumont
  • When reached for comment, Francis Bouillon reminded everyone that nobody outside of Montreal really, honestly cares if the Habs miss the whole season.

The Sabres:

  • Thomas Vanek was gonna make it tonight, but he was really comfy on the couch. Or he would’ve been, if he made it out of bed today.
  • Jason Pominville
  • Ville Leino showed up tonight. I guess Tim Horton’s decided his productivity was worth letting go.
  • Andrey Makarov in goal
  • MARK! FREAKING! MANCARI! Heeeee’s back, ladies!
  • Andrej Sekera will yet again look dynamite against AHL players
  • Corey Tropp, to give some grit to the pre-season
  • Kevin Porter will fill the Sabres’ #1 center spot, naturally
  • ;iluashe4lkyhj980uf3iojkfsdg32t4 <– That would be the cat walking across the keyboard. See also: more work than Gary Bettman has done to get the season going.

I don’t know. I’m not going to fill out the whole rosters. Listen, I’m a step above firing up NHL 10 and having it simulate a game. In other news, when the Sabres play Boston on Wednesday, I’m just going to fire up NHL 10 and have it simulate the game. Unfortunately that couldn’t be done tonight because the American Dad Season 5 commentary came in, and that goes well with Jim Beam.

PERIOD 1

Anyway, so the first period was just atrocious. It doesn’t help that on the first faceoff, Kevin Porter decided to grit it up and throw some grit at Kimbo Slice. Kimbo responded by running Ryan Miller, which is very odd because Ryan Miller isn’t even playing in this game.

Upon seeing Ryan Miller get flattened, Paul Gaustad did nothing (since he now plays for Nashville), but later commented that he is, “[S]till embarrassed that we didn’t respond the way we should have.” He added, “We didn’t push back. There’s no reason to be scared. We had to go after it, and we didn’t. I mean, for God’s sakes…it’s Kimbo Slice.”

So with a score of 0 – 0, Lindy Ruff took his team in to intermission and threw a bunch of things. Since this is Montreal, the police have a warrant out for Lindy Ruff’s arrest. Since this is Montreal, the police are scared of Lindy Ruff. Meanwhile, in Buffalo, Jerry Sullivan spilled some coffee on the logo in the locker room at First Niagara Center and laughed maniacally.

PERIOD 2

Thomas Vanek was supposed to give an interview mid-period, but opted to hit the snooze button instead. In the meantime, Andrej Sekera scored a goal after leaving his defense partner, ;iluashe4lkyhj980uf3iojkfsdg32t4, out to dry a few times.

The rest of the second period was cancelled due to a rain delay.

PERIOD 3

Here’s where things heated up. Apparently, between periods Travis Moen told Mark Mancari that he was getting helmet hair. Mancari’s teammates all told him to ignore it, and indeed several females were in the process of throwing themselves at him, but it got into his head. That’s how Travis Moen works, folks. Head games galore.

So once the period started, Mancari is all mad, but he forgets who said that because Travis Moen is extremely easy to forget. So Mancari goes over to Mike Weber to ask him to point out “[W]hich one of these S.O.B.’s said I had helmet hair,” forgetting that the only Weber playing tonight was Yannick Weber. That’s okay, because the Habs coaches usually forget about Yannick Weber too.

So Yannick’s all crying, and he ran over to Scott Gomez, see. And Gomez is like, “Dude, what do you want me to do about it?” Scott Gomez continued to laugh at the fact that he makes $7.3 million for doing absolutely nothing, and told Yannick Weber to go solve his own problems.

So Yannick goes to Adam Moen, the little snot that started all this. Get this. At the end of the day…Adam Moen skates over to Mark Mancari and plunks him on the head. Mancari was all like, “Come at me, bro!”

Pictured: Mark Mancari

But it was too late. For Adam Moen had, in fact, given him helmet hair.

…oh, also, Corey Tropp scored a hat trick and will be promptly sent down to Rochester.

POST-GAME

I don’t know. They didn’t play. But Jason Pominville said something along the lines of:

“Y’know, we just have to work harder. We just have to win those battles, play a whole 60 minutes. We can’t just play half a game. Millsy, y’know, took a hit. We have to respond. We have to respond better. The coach is giving us what we need to do to win. But we need to do what he’s giving us in order to win. So we’ve just gotta get out there and put in the work.”

This lockout is the worst thing ever.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. 09/24/12 10:35 PM

    I love this in so many ways. I am going to have a wet dream about it in celebration. Well done, Dan.

    And fuck Bettman.

    • Dan permalink*
      09/24/12 10:36 PM

      The fake reactions will continue until morale is improved.

  2. Mike permalink
    09/25/12 12:18 AM

    American Dad is still on? People still watch it?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 864 other followers

%d bloggers like this: