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Vulgar Opinions: I’m Thankful I’m A Sabres Fan (NSFW)

11/24/11
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Disparage 29 fanbases on a holiday of good will?  Don’t mind if I do…

The Atlantic – Right off the bat I’m thankful my division isn’t named after a fucking ocean.

  • I’m thankful I’m literate…unlike Philadelphia Flyers fans.
  • I’m thankful I’m not morbidly obese…unlike Pittsburgh Penguins Fans
  • I’m thankful my voice doesn’t echo in my empty building…unlike New Jersey Devils fans.
  • I’m thankful I’m not a hipster douchebag…unlike New York Rangers fans.
  • I’m thankful I’m not literal garbage…unlike New York Islanders fans.

Northeast Division – I’m thankful we sit in the best division in hockey, still…

  • I’m thankful I sell out once in a while…unlike Ottawa Senators fans.
  • I’m thankful I don’t have a speech impediment…unlike Boston Bruins fans.
  • I’m thankful I speak English…unlike Montreal Canadiens fans.
  • I’m thankful I…I’m just thankful.

Southeast Division – I’m thankful my division puts more than one or two teams in the playoffs occasionally.

  • I’m thankful I have history…unlike Washington Capitals fans.
  • I’m thankful I don’t have the worst overall attendance in the last twenty years…unlike Carolina Hurricanes fans.
  • I’m thankful I’m not the Atlanta Thrashers…unlike Winnipeg Jets fans.
  • I’m thankful I’ve made the playoffs this decade…unlike Florida Panthers fans.
  • I’m thankful my GM wasn’t vastly better as a player than he is as a GM…unlike Tampa Bay Lightning fans.

Central Division – I’m thankful my division’s teams are in the right conference.

  • I’m thankful we’re a team and not a brand. This insult sponsored by Amway.
  • I’m thankful we’re not worse at hockey than the local college team…unlike Columbus Blue Jackets fans.
  • I’m thankful we don’t live in a crime-ridden cesspool…unlike St. Louis Blues fans.
  • I’m thankful our logo isn’t racist…unlike Chicago Blackhawks fans.
  • I’m thankful we spend to the cap ceiling and not the cap floor…unlike Nashville Predators fans.

Northwest Division – I’m thankful we don’t have Lambert watching our games.

  • I’m thankful it’s at least a little difficult to make gay jokes about my team…unlike Calgary Flames fans.
  • I’m thankful we’re at least the asshole of a relevant country…unlike Edmonton Oilers fans.
  • I’m thankful our European players are plenty likable, unlike Vancouver Canucks fans.
  • I’m thankful our brand of hockey doesn’t suck…unlike Minnesota Wild fans.
  • I’m thankful everything we’ve ever achieved wasn’t borrowed or stolen from someone in Canada…unlike Colorado Avalanche fans.

Pacific Division- I’m thankful all of my division’s teams will still be around in five years.

  • I’m thankful that I don’t need Paul Bissonnette to fill my arena with hobos to get anywhere near decent attendance…unlike Phoenix Coyotes fans.
  • I’m thankful we have enough fans to have a parade…unlike Anaheim Ducks fans.
  • I’m thankful I’m not in a category with Wesley Crusher…unlike Los Angeles Kings fans.
  • I’m thankful my team’s best player didn’t insult the media, the fanbase, and the management all in one last season…unlike Dallas Stars fans.
  • I’m thankful people care when my fellow fans show up…unlike San Jose Sharks fans.
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