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Vulgar Opinions: Why The Red Wings Are As Likable As A Wasp Infestation (NSFW)

09/15/11
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Disclaimer: Phil has recently given me the green light to write an uncensored, NSFW hockey-themed column where I basically just rant about things.  My views are my own and are in no way reflective of the overall integrity of Black & Blue & Gold.  In short, if you have an issue with what I say here, you have one person to direct your ire towards: Me.  Which is a waste of your time because I don’t really care.


I really don’t have much of an opinion on most Western Conference teams because the Sabres rarely play them.  I like watching their games because I can just enjoy hockey without having an interest in the outcome because it impacts the Sabres.  I like most of the teams in one way or another, particularly St. Louis, Nasvhille, and Minnesota, but there are two that I hate: Anaheim, because they’ve built a team of assholes, and Detroit.

I can’t fucking stand the Detroit Red Wings.

The start of it all is that I just flat out don’t like original six teams.  “Hurr, hurr, we’re old!”  There’s a massive entitlement complex in the minds of fans of original six teams and it gets annoying in a hurry.  You don’t see me lording over Sharks fans because they’re some twenty and change years younger than the Sabres, do you?  No.  SO shut the fuck up  Especially since all four of your (American) fan bases are a god damned joke.

Which brings me to my next point, Detroit is overrated as a hockey city, evidenced by the fact that the team had to come up with a stupid nickname in 1996, and partner with Amway in 2011 to enhance their brand.  Look Detroit, if you really were Hockeytown, I wouldn’t need a calculator to add up all the empty seats I see in your playoff games.  I guess winning has turned your fans into a bunch of whiny bitches who can’t be bothered to show up.

Don’t even get me started on the fans.  Every year that ends in Detroit not winning a cup, they got “screwed” by the officials or by the NHL.  You guys have a garage full of Stanley Cups, lighten the fuck up.  Hell, you even won a cup with your entire team having a below average year (2002) because it was full of future Hall of Famers.  It wasn’t the officiating that had you giving Crosby his first cup and getting plastered at the hands of the Sharks the past two years, it’s that they were better teams.  Deal with it.  I didn’t think fans of a team that hasn’t missed the playoffs since 1990 and hasn’t failed to win a playoff series since 2006 could be such bitches.

Not as big of bitches as their team though!  A lot of Western Conference teams play pretty exciting hockey.  Even the Ducks, who I hate, are entertaining because they’re a big bag of dicks and will inevitably end up pissing someone off and starting some shenanigans.  Detroit Red Wings fans should be thanking Claude Lemieux instead of hating him because at least he made their team entertaining for a while.  It’s so god damned annoying to see the Red Wings do something cheap, scrum up, and ultimately refuse to answer for it.  Oh and by the way, I’m sick of hearing about how underrated Pavel Datsyuk is.  When I have to read it everywhere the Red Wings are mentioned, he’s not underrated.  He’s just rated.  (Rated: P for Pussy.  And spare me the fucking Perry fight.  We’re all so impressed by Pavel Assface Datsyuk ripping Perry’s helmet and visor off and then refusing to remove his own.)  And I know this will make me sound like a hockey hipster…but Linus Omark did all those awesome shootout moves before they were cool.  Just sayin’.  Watching the Red Wings is like watching your dog step in poop and then run around your house.  Not at all enjoyable, and a little gross.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. bobo permalink
    09/18/11 12:38 AM

    Pretty sure you don’t know anything about hockey dude. get a clue. This is the worst article i have ever read in my life. You ever look at the economy? do you understand that Detroit is #1 in the entire nation of unemployed people. Glad you don’t know anything about life except how to complain about a model franchise.

  2. 09/18/11 1:54 PM

    1). That’s not actually true. Detroit’s Metro area has the 16th highest unemployment rate.

    http://bls.gov/web/metro/laummtrk.htm

    2). Detroit sucks, see above. Enjoy a big fat ugly Amway logo on your “model franchise’s” team garb.

    http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/red-wings-announce-landmark-partnership-with-amway-108693494.html

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